


Family Crisis #2169

by Augustus



Category: Here's Lucy
Genre: F/M, Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-06-03
Updated: 2004-06-03
Packaged: 2018-08-16 07:18:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8093146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: Kim's looking happy. Something must be wrong.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Here's Lucy is possibly the least well known Lucille Ball offering and co-starred Gale Gordon as Harry, as well as Lucille & Desi Arnaz's own children, Desi Arnaz Jr and Lucy (now Lucie) Arnaz. It was horribly kitsch and absolutely wonderful, with tonnes of famous guest stars, corny jokes and plenty of gratuitous musical performances. It also featured way too many scenes in which Craig complimented his sister on various items of skimpy clothing...

** SCENE ONE: **

_(int. Carter house. Craig is playing drums, positioned right beside the front door, as usual. He has a transistor radio playing loudly beside him and the combined noise is deafening.  
Enter Lucy to a massive round of applause. She shouts for a while, but her words cannot be made out above the din of Craig's music. She turns off the transistor, but this makes little difference. Finally she gains his attention by taking off one shoe and using the heel to loudly beat the symbol three times.)_

CRAIG: _(stilling)_ What did you do _that_ for?

LUCY: I've been trying to talk to you for five minutes.

CRAIG: Well, why didn't you just say so?

_(Lucy gives an exasperated look to camera.)_

CRAIG: What's up?

LUCY: I'm worried about your sister.

CRAIG: Kim? What's the problem?

LUCY: She's been acting suspicious.

CRAIG: In what way?

LUCY: She seems... happy.

CRAIG: So you're _worried_?

LUCY: I think she has a new boyfriend.

CRAIG: Well then, why don't you just ask her about it?

_(Lucy looks horrified at this suggestion.)_

LUCY: Oh, I couldn't do that! She might think I was prying!

_(Craig gives his own exasperated look to camera, then goes back to beating his drum kit. Lucy makes another couple of attempts at conversation before eventually giving up.  
Fade to black.)_

 

** SCENE TWO: **

_(int. Carter house. Craig is still playing away at his drums. Kim walks down the stairs in an obscenely short minidress. The audience wolf whistles. She parades in front of Craig and he immediately frezes mid-rhythm.)_

KIM: How do you like my new dress?

CRAIG: Wow! _(He pauses.)_ Mom will have a heart attack.

KIM: I know! Isn't it _great_?

CRAIG: Turn around.

_(Kim spins, showing even more thigh.)_

CRAIG: You're right. It's great.

KIM: Are you sure you don't want to come this afternoon?

CRAIG: To a study date? With David?

KIM: Sure!

CRAIG: I'll give it a miss. I hate to see a guy in pain.

KIM: _(frowning)_ What do you mean?

CRAIG: Well, it's going to hurt, isn't it, when he steps on his own tongue!

_(Kim whacks him good naturedly before turning and walking back upstairs. Craig stretches backwards, watching her go. His drumsticks fall with a loud clatter.  
Fade to black.)_

 

** SCENE THREE: **

_(int. The Unique Employment Agency. Harry is pacing and looking at his watch. Lucy bursts in through the office doors to ecstatic applause.)_

HARRY: You're late.

LUCY: _(unapologetic)_ I had to deal with a family crisis.

HARRY: _(wryly)_ The fact that you're family is a crisis in itself.

LUCY: _(wailing)_ Oh, Harry, you don't understand! Kim's just not herself any more. I think she has a new boyfriend!

HARRY: And how, may I ask, is that a crisis? Kim goes through more men than Elizabeth Taylor does.

LUCY: _(in quite a state)_ But she's always _told_ me about them in the past.

HARRY: Maybe she's sick of your interfering.

_(Lucy thinks for a moment.)_

LUCY: No. That can't be it. I'd _never_ interfere in my children's lives.

_(Harry looks at her disbelievingly. Lucy wrings her gloves and continues to look distraught.)_

LUCY: I'm going to have to do something.

HARRY: Interfere, you mean?

LUCY: _(ignoring him)_ You'll just have to let me take the rest of the day off.

HARRY: _(blinking)_ But you've only just got here.

LUCY: Think of your beloved niece.

HARRY: I'm thinking of my beloved invoices... and my adored letters and my treasured filing and...

LUCY: I'll make it up to you.

HARRY: I know you will...

_(Lucy beams.)_

HARRY: ...on Saturday.

_(Lucy's face falls. The audience roars.  
Fade to black.)_

 

** SCENE FOUR: **

_(int. Carter house. Craig has finally given up on the drums and is sitting on the couch, listening to music and reading a magazine.  
Lucy bursts in the front door. The audience goes wild.)_

LUCY: Where's Kim?

CRAIG: _(turning off the transistor)_ Aren't you meant to be at work?

LUCY: Harry gave me the afternoon off.

CRAIG: _Uncle_ Harry?

LUCY: _(briskly)_ Yes. Now, where's Kim?

CRAIG: _(perplexed)_ She's at the pizza parlour.

LUCY: By herself?

CRAIG: With David.

LUCY: David?

CRAIG: Yes. David.

_(Lucy collapses onto the couch, sniffling.)_

LUCY: Oh my baby! My baby girl!

_(Craig looks at her strangely, before handing her a handkerchief. She takes it and blows her nose noisily.)_

CRAIG: She said to tell you she'll be back in time for tea.

LUCY: Tea? She could be _dead_ by then!

CRAIG: Don't you think you might be overreacting a little?

_(But it is too late. Lucy is gone. Fade as Craig rolls his eyes.)_

 

**SCENE FIVE:**

_(int. pizza parlour. Kim is sitting in a booth with... Oh. My. God! It's_ David Cassidy _!!! The audience screams itself hoarse.)_

DAVID: Thanks for coming, Kim. I've been having a lot of trouble with this week's math problems.

KIM: No problem, David. When you live with _my_ mother, you're glad for any excuse to get out of the house.

_(They bend over their textbooks.  
Enter Lucy, in "disguise" as a gypsy woman. She moves amongst the booths, thrusting bunches of heather in people's faces. Finally, she makes it to Kim and David's booth.)_

LUCY: _(in a very thick "accent")_ Lucky heather?

KIM: _(not looking up)_ No thanks.

LUCY: _(persisting)_ Lucky heather?

DAVID: No thank you.

LUCY: Surely you want to buy a bunch for your beautiful girlfriend? 

_(David looks up and does a double take at Lucy's appearance.)_

DAVID: She's not my girlfriend. And really. We don't want to buy any lucky heather.

LUCY: _(dropping the accent)_ What do you mean, she's not your girlfriend?

DAVID: _(perplexed)_ I mean that she isn't my girlfriend. We’re just studying. Besides, not that it's any of your business, I'm gay.

LUCY: You're gay? That’s... that's...

_(She drops to her knees and hugs David's legs gratefully.)_

LUCY: That's fantastic!

_(In all the kafuffle, her wig has become crooked. As she stands, it falls to the ground.)_

KIM: ...Mom?

LUCY: _(hastily replacing the wig and backing quickly away)_ I don't know what you're talking about. I've never seen you before in my life.

_(After she has gone and the audience has quietened down, David turns to Kim.)_

DAVID: I see what you mean about your mother.

KIM: Yeah, and this is her on a _good_ day.

_(Fade to black.)_

 

** SCENE SIX: **

_(int. Kim's bedroom. Kim is brushing her hair at her dressing table while Craig lounges on her bed.)_

CRAIG: So Mom didn't say anything when you got back from the pizza joint?

KIM: Nothing about David or lucky heather, anyway. She just told me that my dress was too short and that I should go wash up, ready for tea.

CRAIG: _(eyeing her appreciatively)_ See, parents have no idea about fashion. It's the generation gap.

KIM: Tell me about it. I mean, imagine! She thought I had some new, secret boyfriend. Really! The idea's preposterous!

_(She moves over to sit on the edge of her bed. Craig wraps an arm around her waist and she snuggles into him.)_

CRAIG: It had better be.

KIM: You know it is.

_(She kisses him lightly. The audience gasp collectively.)_

KIM: Let's face it, when you have a Mom like _we_ have, you _have_ to stick together.

CRAIG: _(grinning)_ Well, that's _one_ way to describe it...

_(They laugh and then begin making out franticly.  
The end credits roll. The audience remains deathly silent.)_

 

****

~fin~  
Tara Fleur, 3rd June 2004


End file.
